Positive Relationships – To be okay or not to be okay? That is the question…

Relationships are hard. We can all name relationships that we find more difficult than others. Those relationships that we spend a lot of time considering, playing over in our head how the next conversation will go, only to be disappointed and frustrated when it doesn’t go the way we hoped.

Why are some relationships so tricky? As individuals, no matter how self-contained we are, we are all surrounded by a complex web of other humans -  families, friends, work colleagues, bosses -  all with their own styles, views, and opinions. Very rarely can we get things done in a bubble.

Here is a straightforward model (OK CORRAL), to help us consider why some relationships are tough (and yet simple if we REALLY consider our own position and how we view the other persons position).

In any conversation you are taking one of four positions - sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously - based on the view you have of yourself and the person opposite you.

You view yourself and your partner as either okay (safe, capable, comfortable in your skin) or not okay (unsafe, stupid, incompetent). The different position you hold and the position you consider the other person to hold, will inform how you approach, experience, and behave during the conversation.

1.       I’m okay: You’re not okay

JUST GET ON WITH IT: self-assured even smug. With this attitude, often unhealthy competition emerges, as the person looks for mistakes and gaps in the others perspective.

I am aware when I am not well resourced, this is where I find myself, particularly when I am tired, overwhelmed and frustrated. I show up with expectation of just do it and don’t ask questions!

2.       I am not okay: you’re ok

GET ME OUT OF HERE: inadequate, imposter syndrome, powerless. People withdraw from discussions.

3.       I am not okay: You’re not okay

LET’S JUST END IT: hopelessness, negative dialogue, finger pointing. People feel the conversation is pointless.

4.       I am okay: You’re okay

WE HAVE GOT THIS: confident, supportive, optimistic, collaborative, vibrant. Engenders confidence and belief in the person opposite you, that you are creating and tackling something together.

When I show up with this mindset and positive energy this is where relationships grow and ideas flourish.

So, try this for yourself - consider a relationship you have where, “I am okay: you’re okay”.  What do you notice in your approach, experience, and how you show up?

Now consider a challenging relationship? Which of the four positions does it most closely represent? What would be different if you believed “I am okay, you’re okay?”

I would love to hear what happens for you when your shift your position.

I am okay: you’re okay!

Charlotte