Wondering why your boundaries aren’t working?
Wondering why your boundaries aren’t working?
Here is a simple tool on why as humans we behave the way we do.
As children we unconsciously create a set of rules, of how the world works and how we should behave within it. We look to our caregivers, the key adults in our lives to see how they interact, connect with each other and respond to how we behave.
To make sense of complexities and observations, we convert these to rules on how we stay safe, what is acceptable, our values and how we are loved. They are the unconscious rules that develop deep routed patterns in how we show up today.
Each of our rule books are unique, based on our upbringing. However, there are 5 common drivers, which tend to take over in times of stress:
Be Perfect
You are probably a high achiever, used to getting top grades and being praised for your success. However, this never feels enough, you are waiting to be caught out, you often self-doubt.
Be Strong
You are always there for others, there source of strength, you find it difficult to ask for help or show weakness. You hide your emotions and have an external persona that everything is fine.
Hurry Up
You are constantly busy; you pride yourself on how much you have gong on in your life. Business is your worthiness. If you ever slow down, you feel guilty.
Please others
You put others needs ahead of yourself. People know you are reliable. At times you feel resentful as nobody gives you the same consideration.
Try Harder (This is my core driver!)
You are persistent and determined, but never feel like you have achieved enough. You believe you need to try harder than others to achieve the same results. You are often anxious and sensitive to criticism.
(Taibi Kahler, 1978)
Which of the 1 or 2 key drivers resonate with you most? (I appreciate they may all resonate on some level) Follow your gut on your top 1 or 2.
1. How does this driver help you?
2. How does this driver limit you in setting boundaries?
3. What affirmation could you use to counterbalance this driver?
When try harder comes up for me, I notice I keep pushing myself, work longer hours and my nervous system is less regulated. So…I tell myself I am more than enough! This calms and slows me down.
